Another period, another drama.

I realize that i usually write near my period. When i become unreasonably emotional and everything inside my head is like a windows with 15 tabs loading at the same time.

The good news is life’s been so good to me these days. My friends are all too nice. My room is super comfy. I finally find my appetite back here, and even find one (and only) decent cafe with foods that suit my taste.

The bad news is I’m not in the best condition to appreciate all those things. I can’t lie, but i think my job sucks. And i can’t even describe why. I’m currently in the early phase where i have no idea what’s wrong, but everything just doesn’t feel right and i’m so scared that i’ll lose my passion to learn. But i know i’ll enter the phase two when i find out what made me feel this way and then we’ll see. Just be patience, jen. Growth requires pain and it takes time.

So okay i think i made a lot of mistakes. And other than trying to fix it, i overthought it. It really stressed me out. To think that people have to do extra works because of me, or if i made stupid diagnosis or treatment based on my stupid clinical judgement, or if the patient is getting worse because of me, or if they think i’m not responsible enough, or if i’m not reliable and so on and so on. I am so preoccupied with all these things and actually make my performance worse. And then i become more depressed. And it ends up as the feedback loop from hell. And i also feel like i become meaner to the patient. It’s just so hard to be nice and all smile when you’re emotionally exhausted. huhuhuuhu. 

and for godsake, my face is breaking out. wow. no surprise tho. I hate hormones.

Btw i went to Patrice wedding last week. It was one of the most dramatic moments in our friendship. The week before, we quarrel about her bachelorette party and it really got me into a bad mood. But, Lord, when our flight was cancelled, i literally couldn’t stop crying. And i realized how insignificant our fight compare to our friendship. And how i really truly miss them.

The wedding was sooooo perfect and beautiful. I’m sooo happy for her. She deserves all those happiness. And although there are too many dramas to write about, everything went super well. It was just for two days, but i still can’t move on. And i reallyy miss them right now. I was freaking emotional these days and seeing familiar faces and hugs would definitely help. huhuhuhuhu.

Okay, i run out of topics to write.  okay .bye.

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Island Hopping

Hi, Jen gimana disanaaa?

That’s the question all of my friends been asking since I landed on this island. Almost every day, they texted me just to see if I’m doing okay or not.  It’s sooo nice of them. Really. And I know I’m being ungrateful, but I prefer if they didn’t ask. Cause seriously, don’t y’all already know the answer????

OF COURSE I’M NOT.

And I’m trying so hard to stay calm and telling myself that it’s okay. It’s gonna be fine. I know it will. Always. I’ve proved it a hundred times. But Lord, can I skip this bumpy beginning? And go straight to the state when I already know what the hell I’m doing, I can remember every fucking form I have to write in this fucking hospital? (There are tons of forms I have to fill in this hospital WTF)— and You know how high I take pride of my jobs. But you know, new hospital means new rules, new protocols, new supervisors, new nurses, new blablabla MEANS I become an idiot again. Starting everything from zero.

And of course straight to times when I can befriend all the people here and maybe find some close ones. They look so nice and I know they are, but it takes time to build friendship, especially for someone like me. DUH.  I’m seriously soo eager to finally be able to talk the way I talked to all of my best friends. ( Read: full of swearing and profanity)

The first 3 days was the hardest ever. God, it’s been a while since I feel it’s hard to breathe like that. Do you know how it feels when you have to enter a large group of people. ALONE. When they talked things you didn’t understand, it’s like suddenly you feel like they talked in Spanish. And you just sit there, looking at them like an idiot, scrolling Instagram feed that you’ve already seen 10 times, just trying to look busy. And I live alone btw. They give me home quite far from the hospital and the other doctors. At first, the idea of living alone in this new island is soooo scary, but guess what? If you looked into the word introvert in pictorial dictionary, you would definitely find my face. So yah, living alone is sooo therapeutic after 7 hours socializing with new people. Lord You know me soo well. I can walk around only in minimal clothes, while dancing to John Mayer’s new song. It’s perfect. I will definitely miss this house. Hahahahhaha.

And I know my mom is sooo sad. She said she was crying hard when I went. Because she and my dad knew how miserable my first month here. And she doesn’t even text me to ask about how I’m doing, cause she knows she won’t be able to handle what she’s about to hear. Mother’s heart is definitely something else, right? She asked me like a million times, do I have to go PTT? There are people who got accepted to the residency without PTT, without this without that. Why do I insist to do it?

Well, I’ve told her million times, but then she asked me a million more. HAHAHHAHA.

I hate. I repeat. I HATE GOING OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE SO FUCKING BAD. I know no one does. BUT SERIOUSLY, I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM ABOUT IT. And when I think about PTT, I easily made a long list of reasons NOT TO GO. But then it was easily beaten by just one reason. I want to be a great doctor.

I know doing ptt doesn’t mean I’m definitely going to be an excellent one. That’s not the point. I want to be a great anesthesiologist. It’s a field dominated by men. And I cannot be a spoon-fed child if I want to survive there. Your gender won’t be an excuse. I just have to move fast, catch up, adapt and be as flexible as I can be. That’s why I need to move from my comfort zone as often as possible. I’m trying to get myself strong enough to survive in that field. I want to test my limit. Upgrade it every now and then, prove myself that I’m not a spoiled child. Anesthesiology is a fast moving department. And you really need to move as fast as everybody else. You will cry. A lot. And maybe take a little break, but then you have to remember that you have to move again fast. When I got here, I was soo shock, but a little part of my heart saying,’ Jen, if you can survive here for a year, baby you can survive anything.’ Hahahahhaha.

But you know I actually quite surprised to see how good I’m handling this change so far. At least I haven’t cried since I got here. But maybe I will cry so hard if I saw my mom or all of my best friends.

Btw, I made this post after 6 hours in the operation theatre, so fuck grammars and everything, please understand my limited English, okay. Hahahhahaha.

I guess that’s enough for now sih. Have an awesome, sleepless night ,people.

Btw, petris told me about this song, to ease the pain 🙂 i hope it helps you like it helps me.

HELP

This is that time of the month again when you feel fucking sad for small reasons.

HORMONES.

I had a really weird coping mechanism when i feel sad, you know. Back then i usually pulled my hair (i know, WTF) or cut it dramatically short. It’s really therapeutic. I know it’s weird but, my hair is one of my virtues, and i love it so much. Cutting it makes me feel like i have control over my body. That one part of my body, even the one i like the most (I love my waist the most but how the fuck should i cut it off) doesn’t define me. And i will still love myself even if i cut my hair short. It’s fucking deep right? Hahahhah

Now, i don’t have to do something that extreme. I just showered. A LOT. Like 3-4 times a day. Hahahaha. When i had anxiety or feel sad, i just take a bath. Then i feel much much better.

God, but i literally showered like 3 times today, but my heart and my brain are going crazy. And a venti cup of tea is really not helping (I’m pretty sensitive to anything caffeinated. Tea is the only thing i can tolerate.) ANd i have a 7 a.m flight tomorrow and this is already 2 a.m. Ugh.

Okay bye.

Is wanting equality a sin?

Hi! welcome back to another episode of Jen’s 3 AM Thoughts! when most people are having their beauty sleep, my brain decides that even a long sleep can’t help my face, so why bother?

First, I want to tell you that my birthday was last week. I’m 26 now. This is the age where you draw an official line which any birthday after this will be a torture.  You realize that you’re getting old, haven’t accomplished anything that you’re proud of, and you see your reflection in the mirror and start to notice a few fine lines and dark circle under your eyes and thinking: what have I done to myself? You even start to think about your health. How you always take it for granted. At 26, you’ve heard and seen many deaths. And this is when you realize that it’s coming to you whether you welcome it or not, whether you’re ready or not, whether you’ve accomplished all your life goals or not. It doesn’t give a fuck. Those thoughts come to me at these hours mostly. Is all those Indomies worth the cancer? And will these sleepless nights affect my liver? 

Do you think the same thing too? Or is it just me? hahahhaha

Okay, that’s mindfuck enough for an introduction. Now I want to talk about mass movements that have been going strong for the past several years.

Feminist movement. If you google feminism, you’ll find that it got its peak during the early 70s when women fought for its right to vote. But let me tell you, women actually have been fighting for their basic right for centuries. Starting from their rights for getting the same level of education as men, rights to work in the same field as men and getting the equal payment based on their performance, rights to choose to whom they’ll be married and WHEN and even as insignificant as the rights to wear the type of clothes they want.

Why do we have to fight for it while men get all these privileges fall into their hand effortlessly?

I’ve been raised in a very strict religious family, so i got my bible education covered. I don’t mean to give any religious statement or what. This is something that i’ve been told all my life and forced to believe. I just want to dissect this topic from the core. (Yah you know what i mean )

This is where it’s start.

18The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 
21So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 
22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 
23The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” 
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

I want to talk about this first. About the nature of why God decided to separate human into a Man and a Woman. He made a creature that was based on His feature, but then this creature seemed lonely and helpless so He made him a helper from his bone. He could just make other men. But He didn’t. He made another type of creature, with a different feature. Why did He do that?

Even women’s nature here is already below Men. Because we were made to help men not the other way around. And also our origin is from men’s bone. Which naturally give him power over us.

This is seriously got me thinking so hard, and i can’t help but feeling sad.  I want to ask God, why do He created us as a head and a tail and not as something equal. Why do we have to help men? Not helping each other as a partner? Why do we are the one who has to get period and pregnant at the same time? Hahahhahahhahha. Seriously. Why can’t we share it like, women get pregnant for nine months, but men are the one who feel the labor’s pain. Hahahahhaha.

I’m sorry, it’s just, i’m the type of person who values fairness highly.

And it moves me to another question, “If we were made to be inferior compared to men, then all the things we do now, is actually women against God, right?” I feel like we are creations who asking its creator why He made us this way, while He got every right to make us the way He wanted.

So is it really wrong to question God about this?

Next, i want to talk about Paul’s word in Timothy. If Paul lived today, He would sound like an asshole.

9 I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 
10 but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. 
11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 
12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. 
13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 
14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 
15 But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

Listen to all of these verses! I can’t even decide where to start. But I’m gonna start with how I start to question whether I’d like Paul or not if we met in real life. #rollingeyes

I was forced to believe all the words in the bible. (Seriously, i’m not saying this in an atheist manner, but sometimes i question a lot of its parts. Like whether this is really God’s word, or it came from the preacher’s limited understanding of God’s words. If you go back to the first verse i gave you, all of Paul’s words is not wrong at all. Women is made after men, so submit to your men.

And I actually really mad with the part where he blames Eve for falling into Snake’s trap. So this is our punishment then?

This one is from Titus.

3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 
4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 
5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

So, Paul, Men can be a drinker but women can’t?

Women have to be at home? Have to be pure? While Men can go around doing shit and don’t have to suffer from social judgment?

Ugh I feel like a sinner for even questioning this.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior

Okay this one makes everything clear. Men is the head and Women is the body (or tail ).

I don’t know if fighting for equality for women is wrong or not in God’s eyes. (I do want to know tho) But i personally feel really lucky to be born in the era when women have all the access to education in particular. I just can’t imagine if i was forced to stay at home and cleaning houses, and all housewife shit.

When i planned to write this, i google some video on youtube with the keyword “women equality” and its result got me really really sad.And angry. Go search it on youtube, and you’ll get a full 2 pages of youtube videos about “women got the taste of equality and hate it” All of those videos are about how now men have the right to punch women back if women punch them.

This frustrated me.

Why do people see this movement from this point of view?????

Listen i never said that men have no right to fight back. You know, NO ONE SHOULD GET PUNCHED IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT’S NOT ABOUT MEN OR WOMEN. AND TO BE FAIR, WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY ASK IS WHY THEY GOT PUNCH IN THE FIRST PLACE???????????? IS IT BECAUSE THEY SEXUALLY HARASSED THE PUNCHER OR WHAT? IF THE PUNCHER IS A BULLY, WELL GO FIGHT BACK, I TOTALLY ENCOURAGE YOU, WHETHER YOU’RE A MAN OR WOMAN.

AND WHAT MAKES ME REALLY ANGRY TOO, IS HOW THEY TELL THAT WOMEN IS A HYPOCRITE FOR WANTING EQUALITY BUT STILL DEMAND AN ACT OF CHIVALRY.

WELL MISTERS, LET’S GO BACK TO HISTORY. YOU ARE TALKING LIKE MEN NEVER HIT WOMEN WHILE THEY FUCKING DO IT ALL THE TIME. NOW, WHO’S THE HYPOCRITE?

(i’m sorry i just can’t fight the urge of bolding and capslock-ing it)

God, i feel like a jobless person who loves to pick a fight in the youtube comment section. hahahahhahahha.

Last i want to discuss one of the rights that is also become an issue here. Women’s right to do whatever they want to their own body. Abortion is one of its examples. I used to against it. There’s a big moral issue here. Have this women movement gone too far? i thought. But then they present some cases , which i have to say, that i have no right to comment. Like the case where the woman got raped and then got pregnant. Can you imagine it? You got raped, and the now you have to bear this man’s baby, and you watch him grow up just like that man. You see your rapist’s face in him and hate your child for it. It was both unfair to you and your child. And then imagine all the people in the world judge you for not wanting this child. Acting like they know what it’s like to get raped. Take a moment and imagine that. Feel this woman position as yours. I personally would go all the way possible to abort the pregnancy. Not even think twice. My argument is, why do i am the one who has to suffer, I was the one who got raped, now i have to nurse my rapist child too???? like WTF Hell no. and if someone gets into my way, i would say, you seem like you care a lot about me and this child, do you want to replace me, cause i would gladly watching you are the one who got raped and pregnant. It’s not that i agree on murdering a fetus. It’s just this is the type of crime that i would gladly commit if i were in that position.

In the end, i am deeply torn between questions do us women should continue to fight for the same basic right as men or is it actually against God and the bible? Lord, why you make my brain like thisssss? Hahahahahhahah. Why do i have to think so hard about everything?

okay enough of this now, i’m going to sleep guys, BYE.

In the hand of mischievous God- A book review

Despite being a pig who spends 10 hours sleeping and another 10 doing unproductive activities ( i forget about another 4, but believe me, it is as useless as another 20) I managed to finish 2 books this month.

After almost 3 years since my last book, ‘Gone Girl’, I never read again. Books were my world. Avid reader was my identity. When the whole world turned against me, books and their words never betrayed me. Providing a safe shelter as I run to find comfort. Now I’m hoping to find my way back again to this world. Asking for another chance. As a new type of reader, since I, myself, have grown into a very different person compared to the 3-year-younger me.

My first book was Neil Gaiman’s short novel about spider God. Which I remember purchased almost 6 years ago. EW. Yes, I was just another book hoarder.

My second was this book.In-The-HandSeveral weeks prior, the cover already caught my eyes when I visited Gramedia to buy stationaries. It looks like a very deep poetry book, and I was hoping to find a compilation of short, grand-canyon deep poems with abstract illustrations beside it (like Rupi Kaur or Atticus). To my surprise, it’s actually some sort of novel. A collection of essay, written by an Indonesian writer. And I only know now that Gramedia publishes books in English. (THANK YOU so much for whoever on their team who came up with this idea! Now some English novels are much more affordable.)

As I scanned quickly through the page, I was thinking that it actually looked promising. But, what convinced me to read it, is actually the last page.

IMG_20180123_042746.jpg

So simple yet so pretty, isn’t it? The way she describes herself.
I know I’m bound to love whatever she wrote.

This is a life story about a girl. As simple as that. It’s like I just met a new friend and instantly fall into a deep conversation about life, fortune, and mishaps.
And most importantly, about family.

Just like Anna Karenina said,

‘All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’

I believe all of our dysfunctions are formed as early as the moment our heart first beating in our mother’s belly. The way we perceive ourselves, and a solid self-concept and understanding is mostly built by our parents. And our life is actually our parent’s unfinished work that has been bestowed upon us. (Now you people still want to be a parent? Is this the kind of commitment you’re willing to take? hahaha just kidding, okay)

One day when we have our own family. It will be easier to understand our parents, I believe.

If you’re asking me, is this a good story or not? , I’ll answer with neither. Since like she said, which I agree eagerly, if you read enough books, you’ll understand that in life, there’s no good story or bad story. It’s just a story. And if we’re asking ourselves, what parameter do we use to determine and separate a good life from bad one, really? Please DM me if you have any opinion about this. Hahahaha.

BTW, Ebi, actually, I read your open letter to Mr. Ridwan Kamil about a month ago, (And no matter how much respect I have for Kang Emil, I, wholeheartedly agree with you)  and I have no idea that I’ll find you again, in your own book, with the same honesty that pouring like a tsunami from your little body. I just want to say how much I adore you. I wish one day, I’ll be brave enough to write things that happened in my life as it is.
Brave enough to tell my stories to a bunch of strangers and brave enough to look directly into their judging eyes and listen to whatever they’ll say.

I feel relieved to find that there is someone, somewhere, asking the same questions I’ve been asking my entire life. Questions I’ve been filling my skies with. I’ve made it my life’s mission to list as many questions as possible, and one day, when it’s due, I’ll sit by the lake in a lovely afternoon with God. Watching the sunset as we are sipping our English Breakfast tea, and we’ll talk all about it until the night comes.

Everyday. One question a day.

We’ll have all the time we need to discuss it and He’ll give all the answers I’ve been craving.
That’s what I do most of my day. Asking why.
This “why” has been growing over the years, from the “whining” version ( Why the world is so cruel to me) to “analyzing” why (why do I react a certain way to a certain event)

As you finish reading this, I want to apologize for my grammar and my limited vocabularies. I wish I could write a better review of such a refreshing book like this. And I hope this does not diminish your desire to read this book. Cause every now and then, we need to hear the truth.

See you soon.

 

 

 

Who’s to blame?

I want to talk about one (of millions) of my unpopular ideas.

Remember a while ago there’s a hot gossip about a 15 y.o teen who pulled her father’s mistress hair? As you can predict how Indonesians react over drama (which has ZERO impact on their life) — Everyone raged over her (the mistress). Calling her names, bullied her online, and cursed her and even wished for her death. Everyone knows her name, knows her face.

But i doubt anyone knows the father’s (aka. the man who started the affair) name or face. Well, i don’t. (maybe because i don’t even care at the first place). But i know i’m not the only one. All the media, all the people in social media, all the lights focused on her. Her face, her name, HER MISTAKES.

But is it really her that the world has to blame?

I asked some of my friends about this. All of them said, OF COURSE. She’s a whore and has no heart, and very evil to even think about taking someone’s husband.

And when i asked, why you’re not blaming the husband?

and they said an affair will never happen if the girl doesn’t agree or seduces the man in the first place. Man is like a cat, when someone offers him a fish, they just can’t resist. The man is guilty but she is the satan.

I’ve never been in a relationship before. So you can judge me, it’s ok. And maybe i will change my opinion after i’m in a relationship or maybe married. Right now, i’m someone outside looking in.

Here’s what i see as an outsider.

I want to punch my friends and everyone who thinks she is the one to blame. Like really really kick them in the uterus, and said, “Girl, are you really that cheap?”

here’s my point:

You CANNOT control every fucking people in this world. If they’re evil, it’s their choice. Let God handles them. What they feel, what they do, what their choice, is something that’s out of your control. If she decided to become a loose woman. You cannot blame her. It’s her life. I mean, in a perfect world, everyone is nice, everyone has a right concept that it’s not right to steal someone else’s toys. But unfortunately, we don’t live in it–yet.

But once you’re married. You’re in a contract. You made promises. You committed to one person for life. And you have every right to judge your spouse’s action. Because you’re one now. And any action they make affects you.

Now, do you see my point?

i don’t even blame the girl, maybe she’s just that shallow girl who really needs money to support her lifestyle, and this man, this fucking asshole, came to her, seduced her, and promise her all the money she’ll have if she wants to fuck him. She’s just another dumb girl.

(You said a man is like a cat who loves fish, right? So you really can’t blame a girl who loves diamond. What’s the fucking difference? Why all these rules only applied to men? WHY?)

But the husband, welllll, You’re fucking married, you little shit. So even if a girl is dancing naked with her pussy under your fucking nose. ALL YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY IS:

“SORRY I’M FUCKING MARRIED YOU WHORE.”

I know you’ll say,  “you have no idea about marriage, Jean. You can’t easily blame someone you shared so much (who you love so much) and not hating someone who tries to steal it from you. You’ll give anything in the world to save your marriage. To close your eyes that it’s actually your husband who seduce the girl. To wish that he actually loves you so much and this is just one and only “accident”.”

I know, I know. But it’s just sad you know. That woman has to be the wrong one all the time.

I just think they need to share the blame.

 

 

 

 

 

A memorable Ending

Choosing a right ending is maybe one of the most difficult decisions every author struggles to do. Everyone hopes it would be a happy one. But some of the most powerful stories usually end in a catastrophic event. It haunts every reader with one ‘why’ next to another ‘why’. JUST WHY? And you maybe forget about the storyline, the romantic scenes, the kisses, but a heartbreaking ending will haunt you for life.

Example?

one that haunts me to this very day is Stargirl. I know they made a sequel. BUT HELL NO. I never accept it as the continuation of their story. JUST NO. (Thanks, man seriously, you just ruin the whole story. Why can’t you just leave it like that?)

And of course, Eleanor and Park has one of the most heartbreaking ending i’ll never get over. I want to know the ending and i don’t at the same time. Something just better left unsaid.

****

So, why do i talk about ending?

Because, here i am, at the edge of one more ending in my life.

The end of my internship life. It actually marks the real adulthood of my life. Everything after this phase, will all be my own choice. My own decision. My whole responsibility. No one will be responsible for me anymore.

And it scares the hell out of me.

i’m like, wait, where the hell has 2017 gone? I don’t recall it. it was just my birthday in January and boom, it’s October and in a month i’ll end my internship.  It was pretty good you know, the internship… Not always happy, but yah, i learned a lot of stuff. And it’s kinda changed me. Fortunately, a better me. I’m much more social right now, i can control my emotion better, i feel more confident, and i communicate better with the patients.

Most things just seem better. MOST.

I lost many things i used to love, things that used to describe me. I feel like i lost myself in a way to be fit in society. And that part makes me really really sad. I have much more friends now, but i don’t read any more books. I can’t. I just can’t. I remember how good it felt to read a really good book. But now, i can’t even finish half of the book. I used to write some of the really really great review and post. Now i struggle to even finish one. Avid reader and avid writer were my identities. And to feel it seized away from me, it left a big hole in my heart.

I became a thing i hate the most.

Common people.

Ordinary thinking, mainstream music, and many usual stuff they like.

I know i sound like a true attention seeker, someone who try so hard to be different hahaahhaha. But actually maybe that’s true. I just want to see something from a different perspective that most people often missed. So in that way, i feel better, i feel superior you know. To know something that they don’t. I just love that feel.

Oh! but i also find many things i don’t know i’d liked!!

like, i don’t know that i’d really like to go to a concert! I LOVE IT!

i guess people do change right? it really scares me too. I mean, i can’t even trust myself to stay the same, so how can i be sure everyone else, especially a man i’m going to marry would stay the same, would love me the same forever?

Okay, back to the topic. —Damn me and my limited attention span.

so, ending.. how do i end my internship? i hope we will end this nicely and peacefully. I seriously don’t need any memory that haunts me for life. Hahahaha. But yah i just want to say i’m forever grateful that i got my hospital as my place for internship, also i got my team for the entire year. All the bad and the good, i’m truly thankful for them.

For any journey that waits for me ahead. I pray God will lead me just as HE PLANNED, which i believe with all my heart, is the BEST WAY i can’t even imagine. #fingercrossed

And anyway, please pray for Indonesia. God helps us. We’re such a mess this year. I believe God and the truth and justice will always win. And the bad may win for this time, but not for too long.

Okay, so long people, i’ll see you soon!

Not Fine, but i’m fine.

Hey it’s been a while since I wrote anything. I guess I’ll start with how I’m doing these days.

Whether I’m doing well or not is a very very complicated question, which, in returns, need a very very complicated answer. HAHAHAHA.

How do I start? Seriously, I haven’t written anything in ages. My writing skills and my grammar must have been deteriorated. DUH. But I’ll try.

Currently, I have been doing my internship for about 6 months right now. It’s 12 months in total and is divided into 3cyclese, 4 months each. I finished my first cycle in puskesmas, and now I’m doing my 2nd cycle,

which is (the worst/the best I can’t decide), 

Emergency room.

My puskesmas life was AWESOME. It was sooo funn. My new friends are all so nice and so fun, I ‘m so lucky to have them on my team. Our life in puskesmas was so smooth. We were playing cards and eating together after we finished the last patient. Everyday. We were even going out together sometimes. The nurse and the staff were all so nice and supportive. God I love puskesmas life.

Except, one thing.

I know I wasn’t born for that kind of life. It will be okay for a couple of months, but sooner or later, it will be too boring for me. I’m a very analytical person. I need to think and analyze everything. Routines bore the hell out of me. I need challenges. I love them.  I was born for that. Soo, after I left puskesmas and my happy life there, I begin my ugd life.

I’m so torn between two different feeling about ugd. I love it so much, but I hate it too at the same time.

It was all I’ve ever wanted. The cases were really really good. It was challenging. It triggers my mind to think. I got all the cases I’ve never seen during my coass time. That feel when you’re diagnosing difficult cases was really addictive. But sometimes it’s too much. When you got too many patients and you couldn’t handle them well, when you have no idea what the patient had (because the symptoms were bad but you didn’t find anything from the physical examination and the lab result was all good), and ughhh i’m soo tired and sleepless.

But the worst feeling is when you lose a patient you handle from the beginning.

( seriously, baper banget pas dapet pasien yang kamu terima pertama, trus ternyata pasiennya end up plus ditanganmu. It was the worst feeling ever. I cried A LOT at first. Kalo pasien yang kamu sebentar sama dia, trus bukan kamu yang pertama kali terima, rasanya ga terlalu gimana sih kalau pasiennya plus. Tapi kalau kamu nanganin dia buat waktu yang lama, bond itu bakal terbentuk tanpa kamu sadarin. Kamu bakal ngerasa tanggung jawab sama pasien itu. Semua keputusanmu menentukan prognosis pasien itu. Just one tiny mistake, and YOU COULD end somebody’s life. Ada beberapa pasien yang aku ga bisa berenti pikirin. Apa dia plus karna aku salah diagnosis? Apa karna aku salah konsul? Apa aku miss sesuatu? Apa aku kurang monitoring dia? Dan banyak banget pertanyaan dicampur emosi yang aku rasain. Not because i’m nice. Not because i’m a bundle of symphatetic flesh. It’s just something everyone would feel in that situation, i believe.

And you never forget your first dead patient.

For me it was a little boy. He was just 15 for Godsake. He was in a motorbike accident. He wasn’t wearing a helmet and he fell from that bike and he didn’t know what hit him, but he got a bruise at his upper right quadrant. And I’m pretty sure he got his liver ruptured. His blood pressure was low and he slowly got into shock and it’s really hard to keep him awake. And even after giving him enough fluid, his blood pressure didn’t go up. I called the surgeon resident and he did the usg but he didn’t find anything. He then sure the shock was caused by blood in lungs. But they didn’t find blood on the side where he was hit. But in the other side. So they evacuated through a drain but there’s no blood. (ya iyalah ya, orang bagian itu ga ada jejas sm sekali) after there’s no improvement, they decided to ask the radiologist to do the usg and she found a rupture in patient’s liver and kidney. And just right after we did the usg, pasiennya apneu dan kita resusitasi tapi ga berhasil.

Seriously,I was so confused that time, I didn’t know what to do, I can’t even think! But the resident was angry with me, he said that I didn’t monitor the patient right and blablabla. I was soooooooooooo angry. Seriously, I want to punch him right in the face. I want to break one/more of his bones.

Gue bukannya gamau ngaku salah. Jelas gue pasti ada salah. Itu jaga ketiga gue, dan gue udah handle pasien trauma tumpul. Pasti lah I make mistakes. Tapi pas gue udah lapor dia, pemegang tanggung jawab tu di dia. Gue jelas bawahan harus nunggu perintah atasan lah.Masa gue bikin decision sendiri. Dan gue marah banget bisa-bisanya dia nyalahin gue. Gue tu udah nanya berulang kali, dok ini pasien ga rupture hepar? Yakin dok? Mana bisa hematothorax sampe segini syoknya? Apalagi udah di drain dan tapping ga keluar apa. Lab juga transaminitis. Ughhhh. Belajar lagi sana usg,bos. Sumpah gue marah banget. Dan gue sedih banget. Bapaknya kasian banget. Dan gue bersyukur gue ga ketemu sama ibunya. Karena pasti gue bakal nangis di tempat saat itu juga. I cried my eyes out that day. Dari pagi sampe siang gue ga berenti nangis mikirin pasien itu. Perasaan gue campur aduk antara ngerasa bersalah banget, kesel sama residennya, takut kasus ini masuk komdik, dan bingung gue harus apa lagi kalo gue ketemu pasien trauma tumpul.

God, that day was soo tiring. Abis tu gue dapet pasien peritonitis lagi dan gue konsul lagi sama dia. Itu rongten udah jelas2 peritonitis loh, dy masih ngotot bukan. Ya kesel lah gue. Sampe gue belabelain cari radiologinya buat nanya. Dan dy juga bilang itu jelas udara bebas khas peritonitis. Ughhhh. Tapi gue belajar banyak lah, dan sampe sekarang jujur gue masih trauma pegang pasien trauma tumpul, dan untungnya sejak saat itu gue belum pernah lagi sih dapet pasien kaya gitu. Huftttt.

Maaf ya gess curcol. Tapi ya ini blog juga blog gue.

Tapi di satu sisi, pas pasien yang lu pegang bagus, trus lu bisa liat sendiri dy membaik setelah lu treatment, God that is sooo rewarding. It’s one of the best feeling ever. Gue ga terlalu peduli kalo mereka makasih ke gue ato enggak. Beneran. Pas pasien makasih ke gue tu yang gue rasain biasa aja. Tapi kalo gue liat dy membaik dan gue jadi bagian dari hal itu tu menurut gue adalah ungkapan terima kasih terbaik. I feel so proud, and I feel good. Walau bukan gue juga sepenuhnya yang berjasa, tapi jadi bagian nanganin di pas masa kritis trus liat dia kondisinya membaik tuu beneran bikin bahagia banget. That’s the feel. That’s the reason I want to be a doctor. That’s the reason why I stay.

So, you see right, why I was soo confused to describe my life nowadays? I was soo happy and in a minute, I can be soo depressed. All because someone’s life becomes my responsibilities.

okay i’m so sorry for the tantrum. I just need to write that to realease all the anger hahahahha.

 

 

until we meet again, babes.

 

 

What’s new?

I realize that writing is pretty much similar to muscle. It needs daily exercise to keep that buffy strong look. It could take a year to build those 6 fine rectus abdominus and a month to make it back to fluffy comfy layers of fat. And even a good exercise is not enough to be able to write good posts/abs. Your muscle and your writing ability need to be fed with healthy food plus good supplement. In this metaphor, what I mean is good readings on daily basis. I used to be so good at both. Reading and writing. Back in my glory days, i could read 2 or 3 novels every month. I fed myself well. I read blogs, reviews, news, anything to keep my mind sharp. I used to be this introvert weird kid, who is too shy to talk to anyone and totally enjoy my own companion with only a pile of good books. I miss that old me, you know. Days by days, i hang out with more people. I become comfortable around them. They make me feel safe. And i love it so much. Now, i hate being alone. I feel lonely. I value fun conversation and laugh more than a quite warm silent in my own room. Well, i become more positive, you know. That’s the good side. But i miss that old jane who is so sharp, so full of curiosity, so overthinking, and give zero fuck to the world outside her comfort zone. My writing used to be good too, i can read it a hundred times and amazed myself. Hahahahaha. But it’s true. I admire that young me.

Well, the core problem with society nowadays is based on one simple thing. Social network.  I know that it has become a modern prison.  The first thing i do in the morning is checking my instagram. Every time i had a problem with anyone, i posted sarcastic curse on twitter. I never look for any good news anymore in BBC or Guardian because my mind has already been fed by all those trash in Line Today. I read people posting their feeling and anger in Facebook and i enjoy judging them. I’m fed with their relationship, friendship, and even family issue which has zero impact on me.

Why do i care so much about them? Why do i enjoy listening to their problem and  gossiping with my friends about it? I was nothing like this back then. I try to minimalize my social network as little as possible. But it’s kind of impossible when your whole friends and community are there. Those social network’s feed gives us something to talk about. Someone to judge. Profile picture to laugh at. Pre-wedding’s album to envy about. Just like that. It became our resources. And no matter, how sick i am with that, i can do nothing about it. I just have to catch up with how fast the world is moving. I’m so sick of people taking photos, snapchatting when all i want to do is talking to them. I’M FUCKING HERE YOU CHICKEN. Why do we even go out if we don’t talk at all and you keep looking at your phone? Gosh.

Media is totally a dangerous field. Once you become the highlight. There’s no going back. And they cannot be trusted. Your life feeds them. Your risings feed them, your falls feed them. Just take a look at some media’s victims.  Just one single blow, now the world turns against them.I mean that’s sick. Remember that girl, Sonya Depari. Who could forget her? Poor child. I wish she learns her lesson.

People spread hate comments faster than I can catch a single breath. It’s so easy to do that when you think you have no responsibility in the aftermath of those cyberbullying.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde

and when something bad happened, people start to blame each other. The very same person who made the most hateful comment, become the wisest person in the forum whose comments are so calming.What a fucked up world.

And that Bikini Snack. Oh Indonesia, you’re a mother fucking hypocrite.Saying that picture will destroy children’s mind when ALL that fucking degraded TV shows are still on air. What a pathetic embarrassing losers. Do fucking something with those tvs. Do you know how many elementary students now are already having sex? It’s so heartbreaking. One day, i heard a kindergartener being raped by elementary boys. RAPED BY ELEMENTARY BOYS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD. They were like 7 years young. I didn’t even know they can have an erection yet. WTF.

I know Indonesian youth has a lot of potentials. I saw not one, of really really great bloggers. They write so well. So deep in thoughts and passionate. I admire them. I just wish people write something like Humans of New York. Totally inspiring.

The whole point of this post is actually my epiphany about how important to feed my mind with good readings and good conversation. Just to keep yourself sane when the whole world is insane.

Okay, enough anger for today i guess. See you later, world. Don’t read your Line Today today, okay.

J.

 

My kind of perfection- a fantasy

I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately. About future, past, and present. About how will my life turn out to be. Will i be happy? Will i do something i love? Will i have a happy life?

Will i be content?

Que sera-sera. 

I love my life now. I love my present. And it doesn’t come from an easy past. I’ve been through so much, so even a simple thing now can makes me easily happy. And yes, i didn’t regret a single thing of it. Well, maybe there’s a few things i could have done better, but i learn a lot from my mistakes. About being a better person, a better daughter, a better friend. I still make mistakes of course, but yah i guess i just have to get used to it.

But, just for this minute. I will live my imagination about a perfect life. A completely different life which i get to choose.

So this is my kind of perfection.

  1. I’m going to own a small coffee shop

I love being a doctor. It’s my passion. It’s a perfect job. But it’s not a perfect life.

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In a perfect world, i really want to own a coffee shop. A small one is enough. With people spending time reading books or have a chat with their loved ones. And with some jazz playing. Norah Jones mostly. At the end of the day, my husband and i will play some 80s music (MOSTLY QUEEN of course!) hahahhah and dance our feet off.

2. I’ll live in New Zealand or any small city in England

Again, it doesn’t mean i don’t love Indonesia. But let’s be honest, the more days passed, it’s getting much more uncomfortable to live in. And this is not a kind place i hope to spend my old days at. With all the crime and the impulsive, emotional, racist majorities, I just can’t stand it.

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I just wish i can live at the outskirt of the town. With all the peace and a pretty road i can take a walk every afternoon with my husband and my dogs. We’ll spend our days with baking cakes, reading, dance and singing, and cuddling. UGHHHH CAN WE CAN WE?

3. I’ll have a farm behind my house. Or zoo, maybe

I love animals. And it hasn’t changed from the day i was born. I want to have a lot of dogs and horses. I aspire to be a zoo keeper hahahha

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Give meeeee 10 alaskan malamute puppiesssss,pleasee.

4. I’ll mothered no child

I know it sounds controversial. But i have a strong valid explanation for that. I don’t know if i’m going to have a child or even children in the future. This is not an absolute promise or what. I love children, okay. They aree sooo cute. So innocent, so pure.

It’s me, the problem. I have attachment issue. The more someone get too close to me, the more i drift away. and God, you know how dependent a child can be to their mom. Like, i’m just sooo not ready for that kind of commitment. And it’s just i didn’t think i have what it takes to be a good mother. I mean, i’m going to be responsible for a life of an innocent human being. Ughhh, i don’t think i’ll ever be ready.

(How can everyone is so excited to be a parent? I mean, doesn’t it too much to handle?)

Again, i like children. And even, i have a space in my heart for down syndrome kids. I don’t know, i just loveeee them so much. I still remember there’s a down syndrome boy at the canteen of my hospital. One day i try to talk to him and he hugged me. I wasss soooo happy. I just have lots of love for them.

5. I’ll marry my childhood bestfriend

Hahahaha i watch too much drama and comedy romantic movies, i guess. But in my ideal life, i want to spend my life with someone i’ve known my whole life. Someone who already know me, i don’t have to explain myself again.

It’s not going to happen btw.

6.I’ll write an epic fantasy novel

I grew up with books around me. It’s kinda sad that now i didn’t read books anymore. I lost all the joy when i read an epic fantasy book. With dragons, elf, and lots of magic. But i remember how it felt. And maybe i will write my own fantasy world. With dragons, of course.

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Soooo what do we learn from this post, peeps?

We don’t live in a perfect world, where we get all that we want. But everything that happens in our life, happened for a reason. You and i are a part of much bigger God’s plan that we’ll never understand.

Sooo, be content. At least that’s what i’m trying to do.

Laters, peeps.