Hey it’s been a while since I wrote anything. I guess I’ll start with how I’m doing these days.
Whether I’m doing well or not is a very very complicated question, which, in returns, need a very very complicated answer. HAHAHAHA.
How do I start? Seriously, I haven’t written anything in ages. My writing skills and my grammar must have been deteriorated. DUH. But I’ll try.
Currently, I have been doing my internship for about 6 months right now. It’s a 12 months in total, it is divided into 3 cycle, 4 months each. I finished my first cycle in puskesmas, and now I’m doing my 2nd cycle, which is, the worst/the best I can’t decided, Emergency room.
My puskesmas life was AWESOME. It was sooo funn. My new friends are all so nice and so fun, I ‘m so lucky to have them on my team. Our life in puskesmas was so smooth. We were playing cards and eating together after we finished the last patient. Everyday. We were even going out together sometimes. The nurse and the staff were all so nice and supportive. God I love puskesmas life.
Except, one thing.
I know I wasn’t born for that kind of life. It will be okay for a couple of month, but sooner or later, it will be too boring for me. I’m a very analytical person. I need to think and analyze everything. Routines bore the hell out of me. I need challenges. I love them. I was born for that. Soo, after I left puskesmas and my happy life there, I begin my ugd life.
I’m so torn between two different feeling about ugd. I love it so much, but I hate it too at the same time.
It was all I’ve ever wanted. The cases was really really good. It was challenging. It triggers my mind to think. I got all the cases I’ve never seen during my coass time. That feel when you’re diagnosing difficult cases was really addictive. But sometimes it’s too much. When you got too much patient and you couldn’t handle them well, when you have no idea what the patient had (because the symptoms was bad but you didn’t find anything from the physical examination and the lab result was all good), and ughhh i’m soo tired and sleepless.
But the worst feeling is when you lose a patient you handle from the beginning.
( seriously, baper banget pas dapet pasien yang kamu terima pertama, trus ternyata pasiennya end up plus ditanganmu. It was the worst feeling ever. I cried A LOT at first. Kalo pasien yang kamu sebentar sama dia, trus bukan kamu yang pertama kali terima, rasanya ga terlalu gimana sih kalau pasiennya plus. Tapi kalau kamu nanganin dia buat waktu yang lama, bond itu bakal terbentuk tanpa kamu sadarin. Kamu bakal ngerasa tanggung jawab sama pasien itu. Semua keputusanmu menentukan prognosis pasien itu. Just one tiny mistake, and YOU COULD end somebody’s life. Mungkin temen-temen bilang aku terlalu simpati sih dan itu memang ga bagus buat seorang dokter, tapi ada beberapa pasien yang aku ga bisa berenti pikirin. Apa dia plus karna aku salah diagnosis? Apa karna aku salah konsul? Apa aku miss sesuatu? Apa aku kurang monitoring dia? Dan banyak banget pertanyaan dicampur emosi yang aku rasain.
Dan you never forget your first dead patient.
For me it was a little boy. He was just 15 for godsake. He was in a motorbike accident. He wasn’t wearing helmet and he fell from that bike and he didn’t know what hit him, but he got bruise at his upper right quadrant. And I’m pretty sure he got his liver ruptured. His blood pressure was low and he slowly got into shock and it’s really hard to keep him awake. And even after giving him enough fluid, his blood pressure didn’t go up. I called the surgeon resident and he did the usg but he didn’t find anything. He then sure the shock was cause by blood in lungs. But they didn’t find blood in the side where he was hit. But in the other side. So they evacuated through a drain but there’s no blood. (ya iyalah ya, orang bagian itu ga ada jejas sm sekali) after there’s no improvement, they decided to ask the radiologist to do the usg and she find rupture in patient’s liver and kidney. And just right after we did the usg, pasien apneu dan kita resusitasi tapi ga berhasil.
Seriously,I was so confused that time, I didn’t know what to do, I can’t even think! But the resident was angry with me, he said that I didn’t monitor the patient right and blablabla. I was soooooooooooo angry. Seriously, I want to punch him right in the face. I want to break one/more of his bones.
Gue bukannya gamau ngaku salah. Jelas gue pasti ada salah. Itu jaga ketiga gue, dan gue udah handle pasien trauma tumpul. Pasti lah I make mistakes. Tapi pas gue udah lapor dia, pemegang tanggung jawab tu di dia. Gue jelas bawahan harus nunggu perintah atasan lah.Masa gue bikin decision sendiri. Dan gue marah banget bisa-bisanya dia nyalahin gue. Gue tu udah nanya berulang kali, dok ini pasien ga rupture hepar? Yakin dok? Mana bisa hematothorax sampe segini syoknya? Apalagi udah di drain dan tapping ga keluar apa. Lab juga transaminitis. Ughhhh. Belajar lagi sana usg,bos. Sumpah gue marah banget. Dan gue sedih banget. Bapaknya kasian banget. Dan gue bersyukur gue ga ketemu sama ibunya. Karena pasti gue bakal nangis di tempat saat itu juga. I cried my eyes out that day. Dari pagi sampe siang gue ga berenti nangis mikirin pasien itu. Perasaan gue campur aduk antara ngerasa bersalah banget, kesel sama residennya, takut kasus ini masuk komdik, dan bingung gue harus apa lagi kalo gue ketemu pasien trauma tumpul.
God, that day was soo tiring. Abis tu gue dapet pasien peritonitis lagi dan gue konsul lagi sama dia. Itu rongten udah jelas2 peritonitis loh, dy masih ngotot bukan. Ya kesel lah gue. Sampe gue belabelain cari radiologinya buat nanya. Dan dy juga bilang itu jelas udara bebas khas peritonitis. Ughhhh. Tapi gue belajar banyak lah, dan sampe sekarang jujur gue masih trauma pegang pasien trauma tumpul, dan untungnya sejak saat itu gue belum pernah lagi sih dapet pasien kaya gitu. Huftttt.
Maaf ya gess curcol. Tapi ya ini blog juga blog gue.
Tapi di satu sisi, pas pasien yang lu pegang bagus, trus lu bisa liat sendiri dy membaik setelah lu treatment, God that is sooo rewarding. It’s one of the best feeling ever. Gue ga terlalu peduli kalo mereka makasih ke gue ato enggak. Beneran. Pas pasien makasih ke gue tu yang gue rasain biasa aja. Tapi kalo gue liat dy membaik dan gue jadi bagian dari hal itu tu menurut gue adalah ungkapan terima kasih terbaik. I feel so proud, and I feel good. Walau bukan gue juga sepenuhnya yang berjasa, tapi jadi bagian nanganin di pas masa kritis trus liat dia kondisinya membaik tuu beneran bikin bahagia banget. That’s the feel. That’s the reason I want to be a doctor. That’s the reason why I stay.
So, you see right, why I was soo confused to describe my life nowdays? I was soo happy and in a minute, I can be soo depressed. All because someone’s life become my responsibilities.
Okay enough of that.
Everything else was okay I guess. I mean I didn’t even have enough time to think about anything else besides work.
No, I’m still single and miserable.
No, I have moved on. I guess.
No, I’m not in love with anyone right now. I’ve learned my lesson not to fall to someone who won’t love me back. So yeah.
As you can see from the picture i post, this post was actually meant for him. But i can’t find any words right now.
i’m so confused. Did he love me? Do i still love him? i don’t know. Did i really love him? because he never really revealed himself to me. So basically i don’t know if i know him or not. Do i really stupid and thinking he was in love with me, but maybe all his signal, it’s for another girl? and why do he keeps hurting her? if it’s me, I don’t want to be a part of someone’s pain.
I get it, it’s his life. His decision. I have no right or what.
But seriously. if you ever read this, please know that i will always love you, maybe it’s not that kind of love anymore, It’s more like bestfriend kind of love. You were a really good guy, and you’re funny. Seriously, i’ve never met a man who’s nicer than you. So i never regret that feeling. You made me laugh and made me feel good about myself, that’s why i really like you. I don’t know if it’s just my illusion or what, but if it’s true. If you really have feelings for me. Please don’t let me know. It’s too late. We could be the happiest people back then, but now, it doesn’t matter anymore.
I wish i could tell you how much i loved you that time. How much i want to touch your hand and run my fingers through your hair. How stupid i am when i’m around you. How devastated i felt when you choose her. ( pas lagi jejaring obgyn karang asem lagi. Gad. It was hard. I ate ice cream everyday for two weeks. You owe me 14 ice creams you know? hahahhah)
I really wish life would be nicer to me. And I would find someone who makes me feel the way you did.
Be good to your girl. I always think she’s kinda selfish for forcing her love to you. But in the other hand, i kinda admire her for her commitment. So maybe you NEED someone like that.
I wish you a really good life sincerely. You’re a good guy and you deserve that.
until we meet again.